Duck Dynasty, An Embarrasing Night in Target, Fate, and Ree Drummond

I am not quite sure how my obsession with Duck Dynasty all started, but I can assure you it has set into motion, FATE.  And FATE is a funny thing.

I think it all started when my husband and I were out of things to watch one night and he asked me if I’d seen ‘Duck Dynasty’.

“No.”  I say.  “I’ve heard some homeschool friends talking about it.  Just doesn’t sound like my sorta show.  You know I hate shooting stuff and ignorant people.”  said me.  (For the record, I do own a gun and will shoot if necessary.  Just not to eat.  I needed to share that.)

So, my husband flips it on.  I am not sure of my exact range of emotions.  However, I COULD NOT LOOK AWAY.

Perhaps it was the four brother aspect, as I have always longed for 4 sons.

Perhaps it was the high school sweetheart story of Korie and Willy, like my husband and I.

Or maybe the fact that you are EXPECTING idiocy, and instead, you realize these people are well educated, awesome, fun loving, and heck, just better than me.

It could be that instead of feeling ‘happy, happy, happy’ I feel ‘very, very, very’ BROKE compared to this dynasty they have built.

Their faith?  For sure.

What about their love of family.  Yup.

Maybe it’s that my dad is from Louisiana and *technically* I could be one of them?  That redneck gene runs deep.  I feel it, y’all.

There is also the issue that I think Willey is hot, and my husband could totally pull off the look with 3-5 years of hair growth.

Well, whatever it is.  I’m OBSESSED.  Google the family?  Yes.  Their book on my Christmas wish list?  Uh huh.  Season 1 DVD Pre-Ordered.  Fo Sho.

So, there you have it, my new obsession.  And I am NOT ashamed.  However, this obsession set off a ripple in destiny and eventually led me to meeting Ree Drummond aka The Pioneer Woman.  Here’s how it alllll happened:

During the first week of my obsession with Duck Dynasty, I quickly watched all the episodes our DVR could handle and one Friday night I found myself craving Duck Dynasty.  I realized there had been a PREVIOUS season :)  What?!  Shock and awww filled my living room!

I quickly Googled and saw it at Target for just $9.99.  It said ‘search my store’.  So, I did!  As any modern 2012 gal would do.  And guess what?  It showed the Target right down my road had it!  What luck!  A God moment for sure, I thought!!!

Now, mind you, I was about 35 weeks pregnant, it’s 8:55pm on a Friday night and a cold front had just blown into South Texas.  I DO NOT move past 7:30 pm when this pregnant.  BUT, my fixation on this show is something I will never understand.

I quickly lied to my husband and said that I needed to grab something at the store.  I could not come to admit why I was dragging my butt out on a Friday night in 50ish windy degrees for something other than food.

I arrived at Target, spandex pants and an old high school T-shirt from a play-off game is how snazzy I looked, and with a skip in my step headed to electronics.

“I’m going to get Ducky Dynasty Season 1 for $9.99.  Nanny Nanny Boo Boo.”  I truly felt….  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.

I begin to scan the DVD section and did not find my beloved DVD.  I didn’t even see a tag for it, where, OF COURSE it could have sold out…who could resist?

I jumped on my phone.  “www.target.com”.  Search:  Duck Dynasty DVD.  Yes, available in store.  I am not crazy.

In desperation, I asked for help.  A gentleman came to my aid and he also searched the shelves.  (FYI…don’t you HATE when they do that?  Search where you’ve just searched?  HELLO.  I LOOKED.  It’s NOT THERE.  “CHECK THE BACK!!!!”)  LOL.

He calls over an associate.  They look on their little scanny machines.  Nothin’.  Then, a third associate walks by and quickly jumps on the computer and says…..

“Uh, mam.  You can see on our website the release date here isn’t for another 2 weeks……”

Me:  Awkward laugh.  “Oh, ok.  It was a gift, and I was here ….so just thought I’d check.”

LIAR.  LIAR.  SPANDEX PANTS ON FIRE!!!!!

I quickly retreated home.  Where I safely and without mortification pre-ordered Season 1 on Amazon.

Fast forward to the next morning.  My husband and I are having our coffee on the couch, watching the Today Show, and he is browsing Twitter.

 

**Important Note***:  Although I have a Twitter account for my blog and try to socialize that way, I NEVER check the actual news feed.  Just don’t.  Not a fan of Twitter.”

Epic Mistake.

My husband says…”Awww, babe, Duck Dynasty cast was down in Houston yesterday for a book signing.  You should have gone.”

~~~~~~~My heart has been WRENCHED from my body!!!!  How?  WHA?!!!!  WHY!!!!!!!????????????????????????

Devastation must be written all over my face because he then says….”See, this is why you need to get on Twitter, this is the kind of stuff you find out!”

I quickly jump on Twitter and begin following @WillyBossHog.  Ahem.  That’s his handle ;)

That following Thursday I checked Twitter as my wise husband recommended and WHO is coming to Houston the following day?  Ree Drummond.  The Pioneer Woman.  Only the single handed reason I started blogging.  She’d be signing books at a Sam’s Club (and what luck I have a membership!) about an hour away from me.  I told my husband and he agreed I should try to go.  However, after seeing where this Sam’s was at…..Liz don’t drive in the heart of Houston.  I stick to my sticks area and that’s it.

However, since it was a Friday afternoon and my husband was finished up with most of his work, he said he could chauffuer my pregnant behind and 3 little boys (1 potty training) a hour down south to redeem my lack of Duck Dynasty book signing.

Ree’s tweet said it would be from 2-4.  Cool.  We’ll leave about One-ish and the boys can nap on the way.  Perfect.

We arrive at 1:45.

The parking lot is quite empty.  No signs.  No limo with the gal herself.  Odd, I thought.  I quickly got on Twitter, and yes, ‘sure enough, I’m at the right spot. Right time too.

“Well, let’s go in.”  I say.  My trooper of a husband, the boys, and my hugely pregnant self head inside.

No signs.  No hu-bub.  No Nothin’.

Finally I meander down the aisles and see a banner with a table set up and 3 ladies in line with lawn chairs behind a black rope/line maker think.  Lots of Ree’s books are stacked about.

“Whew”.  I thought.  I would have had one pissed husband had I gotten the place wrong.  The aisle they set up the book singing in was also the furniture one, so we sat under a huge pallet on nice leather sofas.  Happy Happy Happy pregnant girl.

However, (funny as I look back), as I sat there, I thought….”Golly, I guess she’s not as popular as I thought.  This isn’t much of a showing.”

Literally there were about 6 of us in line.  At the end of this story you’ll see why I felt so silly.

So, we began to wait.  We waited….

and WAITED.

and WAITED.  And then we also WAITED.

We bought Icees.  We bought Churro’s.  We wrangled 3 boys with a quickly dying iPad and 2 iPhones.

There is no sign of Ree.  The ladies in line begin talking about where she could be and I started thinking….

‘Ugh.  Celebrities…always late!’  Judgemental me, I tell ya!

Then, after the five of us were being as patient as possible, my husband realized he had a phone call for work and needed to go out to take it in the car.

“Sure, baby, go ahead, I’m fine”  I said.

Lie.  Again. All I could think was…are you KIDDING me?!  This was quickly becoming the wait of torture!!!!  After my husband left we waited ANOTHER 40 minutes.

By this time, we’d been there for over 2 hours.  My potty training child had pooped and the aisle reeked.  The questions and loathing of my two older boys of ‘WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET OUT OF HERE’ were in full force.  Heck, so were MINE!

By this point, I learn that Sam’s began LINING UP at 2pm!  She wasn’t arriving until 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s now 3:45.  I text my husband.  “Are you done with your call?”  “I am DONE! Put a fork in me, we’re leaving.  Hudson pooped and I cannot take another minute sitting here.”  COME IN NOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW. ”  I am sure he could hear my angry pregnant girl voice through that text.

He said he was just done with the call and headed in.  “Praise JESUS.”  I thought.  When he arrived in the aisle, I had cleaned up our ICEE/Churro/Popcorn mess and was ready.

As he walked up, he said….”Honey, you ain’t going NO WHERE!”.  The line is out the front door, wrapped around the building and you’ve been waiting too long.  I’ll take the kids.  Stay here.”

About 20 minutes later, Ree arrived, I got my books signed, picked up a pizza for dinner, and exited the store.

I word vomitted all over her.  I even mentioned breast milk ice cream.  Somehow.  Lord help me.  I should work on my last minute speaking skills.

By the time I left, there were no books left, the parking lot was packed, and I was getting mean looks as I exited.  I didn’t understand why.

Then, as I got into the front seat of the car, I saw it: THE LINE my husband spoke of.  OH. MY. HEAVENS!!!!

Hundreds…or maybe even over a couple thousand lined the parking lot.  I felt so silly for thinking ‘she wasn’t big’.  I was SO thankful I was outta there.

As we drove home giggling about the entire experience, I began to think:

  • Had I not become obsessed with Ducky Dynasty and re-discovered Twitter, this wouldn’t have happened.
  • If I had not read the wrong time online, there is no WAY I would have stood in that mammoth line at 4pm like I saw when I left.
  • If my husband hadn’t remembered he had that call for work, we would have NEVER waited an additional hour with my husband there.  He would have totally abandoned ship.
  • If my husband hadn’t seen how huge the line had gotten and relayed that to me, I would have never realized how lucky I was to be sitting ‘behind the velvet rope’ if you will, with just a few minutes left to wait for her.

So, you see, fate is a funny thing.

I know this was a long story, but details are important, folks :)

After I realized how long the line was, I had one of my books singed for YOU PEEPS to give away!!!!  It’s Ree’s new children’s book just in time for Christmas!  SIGNED by The Pioneer Woman herself!  I’ll have that give-a-way up tonight!

Stay tuned!

Comments

  1. Such a funny read, Liz! My kids saw your bearded faces from across the room and thought it was the funniest thing ever! One of them said to the other, “You DO realize that’s a girl”! You crack me up. ;D

  2. You are hilarious! Now I need to see what this Duck Dynasty is! ;0)

  3. I LOVE her show! one of the reasons I miss cable, her and of course DUCK DYNASTY! What an Awesome day this was for you =)

  4. Within the past two weeks I have found both Duck Dynasty AND The Pioneer Woman, so I completely feel your over-the-top, passionate need to stalk…er, meet these lovely people! I’m so happy it worked out. Great post, btw. I actually choked on my laugh and spit on my monitor when I got to the end: “I word vomitted all over her. I even mentioned breast milk ice cream. Somehow. Lord help me.” That part was fantastic!

    All the best!
    ~ Debbie

  5. I’m fairly sure we are long-lost but never met best friends. seriously. i bought my hubby Phil’s book for Father’s Day. *eh-hm* I read it before I gave it to him. you cracked me up. going to find a follow button.

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